Ending With No Ends

Everyone has their own version of happy endings for their love life…But do i?...I am afraid….Afraid to face the reality…To loose ab…I would love to voiced out my version of happy ending…shared with my close friends….with him…but is it worth it?...Will I be able to live up to my dreams…deep down I know it’s impossible…unrealistic dream…as ab would like to labeled it…Shattered dream of mine….Arrgghhh what the heck…I don’t want to have regrets later on…Besides, ab will never find this out…and never have the chance to read my blog anyway.

Well, here goes…I never thought ab will be the one for me. I don’t even know whether he is the one. But, a year ago…I dream of someone…Back then, I’m not sure about the guy in my dream. I was in a room; it was like a saloon-like room. A few chairs…a small pond with a fountain. It has small windmill powered by moving waters. Then…I sat down on a chair beside him. Honestly, in my dream…I am feeling a bit sober and lonely. He held my hand and smile. Suddenly I felt calm and never felt so secured before…That day, I woke up with confused thoughts. Who is he?...How come can he make me feel so comfortable and hmmm make me feel so belonged?...I never stop thinking about that dream, and I do know now that it was Ab. It was him, wearing checkered shirt (which he usually wears) with a moustache and sweet smile. It was ab all along. But does it makes him the one for me?...I still wonder…

Few weeks back, I had another dream. This time I was outcast by my family. Actually, in my dream, they force me to go somewhere else, far away from home. I was so sad and angry at the same time. I was sent to an island. Unfamiliar faces, felt so lonely and unwanted. So weak and helpless. Facing the sea, I cried…cried so hard….until I heard a soft voice…Whispering to my ears…I will take care of you lini…don’t cry…touched my hand and hug me tightly. I woke up in tears during azan subuh. It was him again.

Oh…nobody knows how much I love him. I love him with all my heart and my soul. And it bleeds inside…he was the one I’m looking for all my life. But he will never be mine…Not even in million years…And it hurts a lot…like thousand knives stabbing me…Ab dear…it hurts a lot…I can’t bear this pain anymore…it’s too painful…huhuhhhuhhu…I thought I am strong…but I am not…I’m getting weaker by day…and dying inside….

U know ab,…I always imagine u wearing maroon baju melayu with black sampin (johorian style) along with songkok. U looks so gorgeous, walking out from Masjid Sik. And I, waiting for u at the other side of the road, wearing maroon baju kurung…Urghh it was only a dream that will never come true. But, that is my wish, to be urs, ur life partner until hereafter. Amin.

p/s : Ab...I love you so much...U change my world...U are my life...my oxygen...my fire...