The truth about me???

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: plain water2. Last phone call: Hayashi san…
3. Last text message: Mira…wants to go swimming with me
4. Last song you listened to: Demi Cinta-Kerispatih
5. Last time you cried: few mins ago…missing him badly!!!huhhuhuHAVE YOU EVER:6. Dated someone twice: once..abee sorry…I am soo confused that time!!7. Been cheated on: hell yeah..and he’s a jerk!!
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: should i?...hahahah…
9. Lost someone special: hmm...nauzubillah min zaliq…
10. Been depressed: all da time
11. Been drunk and threw up: love drunk counts? Nanie might threw up instead of me

FIRST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12. RED
13. BLACK
14. BLUE

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: one or 2 new friends..
16. Fallen out of love: hope not
17. Laughed until you cried: oh yeah...once, with nanie...
18. Met someone who changed you: changed me, inspired me, make this world a better place to live on by making the best out of shit…my other half!!
19. Found out who your true friends were: hell yeah…lucky to have them
20. Found out someone was talking about you: am I that popular?..wow..haven’t noticed that
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: eeeeeewwwwwaaaahhh!!!
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all of ‘em
23. How many kids do you want to have: x>1, x<3, x=kids..heheheh
25. Do you want to change your name: hell no..i love my lovely name
26. What did you do for your last birthday: blowing candles, on my lovely choc cake(abee bought that!!), surrounded by colourful balloons, a romantic present from abee
27. What time did you wake up today: 6.45am...hungry!!!
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: lying on bed thinking of him…hmmmm
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Abee!!...
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Saturday, after having dinner with my family..before she went off to my aunt’s house
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: to be truly happy and smile again…
32. What are you listening to right now: the sound of my heartbeat…
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: should i?
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: stinky hall!!
35. Most visited webpage: facebook…LOL
36. Whats your real name: Alina Munirah
37. Nicknames: line(abee calls me this), niena,mok(nanie call me)…fatxy!!
38. Relationship Status: complicated,hahahaha
39. Zodiac sign: Cancer
40. Male or female?: Female
41. Elementary?: SRK Sri Laksamana
42. Middle School?: Science Tuanku Jaafar
43. High school/college: International Islamic University Malaysia
44. Hair colour: Black
45. Long or short: Long
46. Height: 175cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Nope..think someone has a crush on me..hahahaha
48: What do you like about yourself?: ME..heheheh
49. Piercings: HARAM
50. Tattoos: HARAM
51. Righty or lefty: righty!!

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: nope
53. First piercing: refer to #49
54. First best friend: Pak, my beloved father, then comes nanie…my crazy sistah!!
55. First sport you joined: Netball…as GD..
56. First vacation: hmmm I think Singapore, Sentosa Island with my family!!!
58. First pair of trainers: LA Gears…dad bought that for me.

59. Eating: Spaghetti Seafood(Olive garlic) at William’s
60. Drinking: Plain water
61. I'm about to: smack toby’s butt, for pissing on my comforter
62. Listening to: the honking sound, remembering the time when I was in Hyderabad, bustling city with lots of honking cars early morning!!
63. Waiting for : ME to come to me..

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: yep..insyaAllah…
65. Get Married?: Of course, but only with him, none other!!
66. Career?: Section Manager, hahahahahah

WHICH IS BETTER
67. Lips or eyes: eyes..he love that so much
68. Hugs or kisses: both excessively please..
69. Shorter or taller: at least the same height with me, hahahahaha
70. Older or Younger: Not too old and not too young, maturity matters more
71. Romantic or spontaneous: both please…at least I will not be bored…hahaha
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: nice ass?..hahahahaha
73. Sensitive or loud: Refer #71 please
74. Hook-up or relationship: relationship laaa…no 1 night stand kinda stuff!!
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: none of the above!!

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: eeeewwwwhhhhh
77. Drank hard liquor: Haram laaaa
78. Lost glasses/contacts: not wearing any…
79. Sex on first date: Eeeeeeewwwaaaaah
80. Broken someone's heart : hhaahahah loads…
82. Been arrested: yeah…when I was 9 for riding motorcycle illegally, it was in an estate for goodness sake…
83. Turned someone down: few times…I have my own priorities….please respect that ok?...hahahha
84. Cried when someone died: yeah...who is closed to me…I am not that emotional
85. Fallen for a friend?: yeah, and now he’s the love of my life!!!...

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: yes…I am a diamond…I am strong!!
87. Miracles: yes…with the will of Allah S.W.T
88. Love at first sight: maybe….
89. Heaven: and hell...yeah..indeed
90. Santa Claus: who?..Pak Ali Roti Canai I believe…
91. Kiss on the first date: Hahahaha I am not cheap!!
92. Malaikat: yerp…
93. Allah, Muhammad, Alam Ghaib: yes…

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: 4 years ago, yes…now..NO..
95. Did you sing today?: yerp, Down-Jay Sean
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: yes..but not with Abee
97. If you could go back in time what will you do? treat her better? or guide her to be better : if you are referring ‘her’ as my mom…yes…I will treat her better, give her everything that I possibly can to make her happy and smile again…
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be?: 18 July 2008, Bengaluru International Airport, India. My whole being been lifted with so much love, joy and happiness the moment I saw him standing casually in front of the Arrival Entrance. Relive it?...Hell yeah…
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: No…I am a risk taker
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: probably..what do you think?..hahaha :p

Questionnaire

1. Do you think violent video games make people behave violently?
Yes…crosses my mind sometimes, but it depends on the individual to justify one’s act. I played once, but it doesn’t turn me into a Zionist!!

2. How about violent movies?
Nope, I am still here right? Not in jail so far for acting violently.
Again, depends on one’s mindset, if they can easily be affected watching violent acts, so all I can say that they have a weak mind!!..

3. How about violent music?
Huh, please refer answer no 2.

4. Do you think they should ban smoking in places like bars?
Erk…no comment. Honest opinion!...They should ban smoking in places where there’s kids and women around.

5. yes or no...American troops should be in Iraq right now?
No. Take care of your own country. Why must you bother others?...Huh…
Let them settle their own internal affairs….Penyibuk!!!

6. Should you be allowed to drive and talk on your cell phone?
No. Even when on headphones or Bluetooth. I am so much bothered talking on phone while driving.
Can’t concentrate driving and will be so pissed off whenever received gossip calls…huh!

7. Should medical marijuana be legal?
I think there’s no harm using that to ease pains. As long as it is within right doses!!

8. Should marijuana be legal for everyone?
Hell yeah…hahahah if you want us to be immoral people..Why not?
Hahahaha…so everyone will be an addict!!...Can imagine what it will be by then!!..

9. Do you think all states should have to require you to have your car inspected?
No…arghhh I want hassle free environment, now u want to add pain in the ass thing?
Hell no!!!...I am a good Samaritan!! Hahahahaha

10. Yes or no...do you believe in the death penalty?
Both. Yes…if the convicted is too stubborn to change even after sending him to reform (based on human laws!!)
No…ppl deserves 2nd chance. We, human being don’t have the rights to take one’s life even with our human laws.
Allah created us, and He’s the only one who can take back what he created.

The end of HOPE....

I have stop hoping
With what u had given me
I am stranded here

At the corner to my last breath

I have stop believing
The use of sunlight
Which used to lighten up

The corner of my bleak heart

I have stop dreaming…
And waiting for the night to come

Till at a moment

There’s no more love for me

Why there is pain?
When you created happiness
Why there should be black?
When white is so consoling

I am leaving…
Without vengeance
I accepted..my defeat…

I am leaving…
Without vengeance..
I acknowledged your triumph

You taught me happiness
You taught me pain
You showed me happiness
You showed me pain…
You gave me happiness…
You gave me pain…

Resting on my soul
Letting you go slowly…
Someday…you will know…
All…...

Monday, June 02, 2008

WISH...

Wish…is defined as to have a desire for (as something unattainable). A simple word, with great meanings. We all have our own wishes…sometimes…our wish comes true…and vice versa.

When I was little…I wish I will be loved…unconditionally. And again…it’s just a wish…a wish will stay as a wish…as it is. Then here I am again, 27 yrs later, wishing for the same. Still holding on to my wish, did my wish ever come true?.

Yes…about 4 years ago…I dunno how it happens… Fates do play its role…Met a wonderful guy…with a big heart, intelligent mind, hmmmm…well so many good things about him. A long list it seems. So shall I say that my wish come true?...To be honest…partially.

I love him…as much as he loves me. He gave me what others can’t. A pure love…People were against us…Our friends…even best friends being skeptical about us. None can understand us. I know I have to wake up soon from this wonderful dream of mine. But am I ready?...To wake up and finds that abee is no longer there…the one who offered me the world….sheltered me with his comforting words…He is my life support…my oxygen…without him….hmmmmm life would be sooo…hmmmmm I will be lifeless…I hmmm never blame our fates…Everything happens for a reason.

Then again….do I need to hold on to my wish?...Reflecting back…way back..when I was a lil girl…hiding inside an empty water tank….at the back of our house, crying softly…for the things happened to me that day…I was 8 yrs old that time…I wish that my family would love me unconditionally, the same as they love my brother and my sister. When I was 11 yrs old, still wish the same, when I was kept outside alone during midnite, for not doing house chores, when I was 13, it rained heavily, and I am left alone outside, crying helplessly …for not doing what mom asked me to do. When I was 15, beaten up badly on my knees and seeing all my clothes being burn…a punishment to me. And still I was holding to my wish..firmly…to be loved…unconditionally…

I was 20 yrs old back then, things getting tough for me…I lost my beloved dad, the one and only person who cared for me the most…And…I am still holding on to my wish…even stronger than anyone would have expected…Until I met him…Yes…he’s the one who makes me felt belonged…The one who taught me that this world is a wonderful place to live…and even better if we shared with someone we love. And I love him for that…I love everything about him. His dazzling eyes, breathtaking smiles, his wonderful heart,…an angel sent from above. But…my angel…his time is up..he needs to leave me…huhuhhuhuuh…he will be leaving me soon…and…hmmmm like a lil girl I was back then…crying helplessly…alone…

I hmmmm I think…I already gave up my wish…wishing to be loved unconditionally…At least…I already felt that…loved by abee unconditionally…though its temporary…hmmmmm….now my wish is…hmmm for abee to be happy always…forever!!!!!!...he had given me soo much!!...now its my turn. Thank you for loving me all these years…We’ve been through a lot lately abee…and we both know when this chaos will end…Please take care honey…I love you soo much….none can understand this…only you…who knows…

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Letter For My Abee...2004

Did u know ab…I nearly died 24 yrs ago…I was 3 that time…I played beside a swimming pool…I slipped and drowned….my father thought that I’m going to die…My whole body turned blue..well..i think i’m supposed to die that time…but…I think I’ve changed my fate. If I die…I will be remembered and loved…rite?...Not like right now….I already messed up with my fate (taqdir)…I think people keep forgetting about me ..People who are so near to me…forget to love me….and I am lost….without love…

Until u came into my life….U saw me…and cherished me with ur love…You are thousand miles away from me…but u had given me this world…u never failed to give me that…the care and love ..larger than life…and …honestly…I am happy…to have someone like you…I am truly happy whenever u are around…who will always be there for me….and appreciates me…and love me…u make me alive again….felt the warmth and comfort from someone who is so faraway yet so near and close to my heart.

But…what if….what if u r not there for me anymore?... what will happen to me…Will I have the same feeling with someone else?...I am ur diamond…but…I can’t live without you anymore dear…I am not that strong anymore…I’ve lost someone dear to me…and I don’t want to face the same situation…I know that for sure…Waiting for you on the net every single day …But what if this thing never happen again…Am I ready to handle this again?...

Will I be lost again…You filled my days with so much hopes and dreams…You gave me love…You gave me support…You are now my strength… I love you for goodness sake…I want you to be always be there for me…accompany me in every steps that I take....make me believe that you are meant for me…

I never asked for anything…from anyone…because I know I can’t have that since I was small…but now every single day of my life…I prayed to Allah…asking for ur well being…to give u health and wealth….so that u can always be there for me…Yes..i am selfish….I want my abee…to always be there beside me..so that I can live my life….bearing in mind that someone out there waiting for me and wish that…every single breath that u take...u will be thinking of me…as what I am doing to u now...every single breath that I take…every beat of my heart….beating for you…and breathing with u….

I don’t know how to expressed it spontaneously dear…its just me…I have so many things to say to u….Whenever I’m with u..i will be lost…lost in words…within ur smiles…and ur comforting presence…I don’t know what else to say…what I do know now is that u will be asking me to be realistic….and yes…we can’t be together…but…hmmmmm…I do pray nite and day that…u will be mine….i am not afraid to say that to u loudly….

Hmmmm…. I just want u to know..that I will always and forever be yours…Who will love you for the rest of my life….That is my vow….

A LOVE...FROM A DISTANCE

Hmmmm…Sometimes its so hard to digest and comprehend things happened between us…A soul so far away from mine…separated by seas, mountains, rivers….thousand miles away from me…yet my heart beats for him…Every sec, it beats for my abee…he’s my tranqualizer… He’s my everything…

Yesterday…abee talked about presence…and absent too. He’s right…When we are together…we both felt a strong connection…we both felt each other presence, we both felt that the clock stop ticking, and we have the world…only for us, exchange smiles and laughter. Are we doing the right thing?...are we hurting each other more?... Abee asked me…where are we? Where are we heading to?... hmmm..a barrier between us….Abee dear…wish I have the answers to all these…

Ughhhhh..i love him for goodness sake…more than anything else…is there any appropriate word to describe my heart towards him? Greater than Love?....Hmmmm …My abee…he’s like a forcefield…surrounding me…That is what I feel all this while…Nothing can come near me..hurt me…as abee’s shield is there to protect me…from any harm that may come…A strong shield…yet…so soft and tender…embracing me with his love…

I love his heart…His pure heart…He loves me, as I am nothing in someone else’s eyes…like an ugly duckling I am…but…in his eyes, he treated me like I am his beautiful swan…he makes me happy…he makes me smile…he makes me feel everything I am….He sees me…right through me…Hmmmm…

Am I hurting myself more?...I don’t know….Reality sucks…Honestly…I am in pain…I don’t deserve to be happy like someone else?...Why make things sooo difficult for me? Why me?...Please…please stop these pain of mine…please…

He’s the only one who can mend my wounded heart. Please don’t take him away from me. It’s like pulling the oxygen plug from me. He’s my life support. I know I’m too dependent…but…please …please understand me. Put urself in my shoes…you will then feel how I felt…
Sometimes…selfishness drives me away from being compassionate. I ignore his feelings, the consequence that he may have to face in future. Hmmmmm….i don’t want to be cruel abee…I am happy for what I have now…happy that at least…u r with me…though afar…u r still near…in my heart, my mind and my soul…You’re my oxygen abee….and I love you….

A tearless cry, A lonely smile,
A written fate, I failed to deny…
Like a forlorn wind, Breezing in despair
The heart of mine trapped in solitaire…

Letter For My Abee...2006

Dearest Abee,
No words can describe how much you meant to me. All these years, I fall asleep…A soundless sleep, until u came and woke me up. A light touch on my eyes and heart is enough to make me awake, and foresee life. You make me breath again, as proper as it should be. You make me see again, as I am blinded before. You grasp my hands and guide me, walk through this darkness of mine, towards the bright lights. You truly are my guardian angel, my prayers have been answered all this long…and I am so blessed…

Dearest Abee,
All my life, I was so insecure. Am I that transparent to u dear?...How could it be?...No one ever see me as u did? Why I am so predictable to u when I am in ur hands, for I am known for being so secretive and unpredictable?... I too live in my own shell. Hard shell outside, yet so soft and fragile in the inside. Should I blame my childhood fears?...I don’t know…What I know for sure is that I feared that people will leave me, It was so painful and hurtful to be unwanted. I’ll tend to please people, making them happy and comfortable with me…so that in return, they will never leave me.

How selfish I am dear? I was so afraid dear…really are afraid that they will drift away from me, leaving me alone. I don’t want to be left alone anymore. It was so harsh experience. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night crying and feeling the unbearable loneliness anymore Too painful to look back again. It’s not just the lost of my dearest father it’s just a fraction of my fears.
But then u came along into my life.

You stirred unsolved emotions of mine and make me realize how blessed I am to have you. I never felt this immense love before dear ab. And never realize that someone could love me as much as you did. And never feel as secured as I am now. I always doubt that no one could never ever be able to love me truly. There must be something that makes them love me, my services to them…I treat myself as a slave in order to make them happy.

But you…you see something in me…u see me as an individual, a soul…u see my heart, and u honored me as your angel. This makes me so grateful…I will make myself happy, equal sharing and enjoyment without sacrificing my needs and feelings for you. I don’t want to be a disappointment to you continuously dear. I am still a diamond…I will live up to that word until death do me apart. Thank you for being you…As u too are my guardian angel…watching me from afar and taking care of me unconditionally.

Dearest Abee,
You have a sacred and special place in my eyes, my mind, and my heart…my whole being. You are the air that I breathe my heartbeat…the sun that shines me. I am ur fire, the one u desire…and u are my air, the one I breath to keep me alive. Hope that I will not cause u burden by telling u the truth, how much I felt for you. You too have abundant responsibilities with you, and to see you in such troubles is inconceivable. As I said before and will say it again, I will not be and will not allow myself to be a liability to you, I am happy with what we already have and share. I love you, and will always be in love with you. Dengarlah sayu tangisanku, kau tahu ku amat menyayangi mu!!

Monday, April 30, 2007

Never Really There...

Never Really There
by Shaela N. Calderon


All those feelings I had
seem to have been in vain,
because once again my heart is broken
and I'm left alone to withstand the pain.

This time I was hoping for something different
thinking the sun would finally rise
and that someday he'd be right beside me...
to bring new hope into my eyes.

For awhile that's what I thought I had
and my heart seemed finally free
it was thanks to him -the only one-
who had ever brought such joy to me.

Though the feelings inside were overwhelming me
there was nothing I could do
to make him accept the love I had to give
and maybe even give some back, too.

So, tell me how- is there a way
to mend this broken heart?
Is there a way to ease this pain
and make a new start?

I guess, deep down, I always knew
that he would never really care.
Of course it wasn't meant to be-
since for him it was never really there.

Tuesday, December 12, 2006

My Expectations

There are times…when I felt how wonderful this world would be for me if Ab is there….sharing our thoughts….laughter…sadness….Seriously it is the most perfect situation I would like it to be…I am deeply in love with him….he knows and even share my pains…he sees me in every angle he can possibly do. He accepts me as I am…he never fails to console and comfort me. Sacrificing his own self…And… as usual like selfish spoil brat…always demands for more of his attention.

But…why?...why must I have to bare this pain….being sooo far away from him…Can only touch my monitor….as if I’m caressing him from afar….am I not worthy enough to have him?...Am I not worthy enough to have some love?....Oh Allah Almighty….Please here my woes…I am dying inside….I pretend to be strong…but only You who knows well how much i am struggling myself to withstand this pain…. I am dying.

Ab….my heart lives for your heart. Patiently…I will wait for my ab…even if it took a thousand years for us to be together. You are the only one who have a special place in my heart. You are my life dearest ab…

My expectations....that will never be fulfilled. To be with ab for the rest of my life. Devote my life to him and love him until death do me apart. To have good as well as bad times with ab. I rather spent my time with ab when he is down instead of having good times with someone else. To have a family with him and grow old together...which i know it's impossible and oooh God..i am in tears while writing this...hmmmmmm....and this is my wish that will never ever come true...i am stuck between rational and selfishness...