Letter For My Abee...2006

Dearest Abee,
No words can describe how much you meant to me. All these years, I fall asleep…A soundless sleep, until u came and woke me up. A light touch on my eyes and heart is enough to make me awake, and foresee life. You make me breath again, as proper as it should be. You make me see again, as I am blinded before. You grasp my hands and guide me, walk through this darkness of mine, towards the bright lights. You truly are my guardian angel, my prayers have been answered all this long…and I am so blessed…

Dearest Abee,
All my life, I was so insecure. Am I that transparent to u dear?...How could it be?...No one ever see me as u did? Why I am so predictable to u when I am in ur hands, for I am known for being so secretive and unpredictable?... I too live in my own shell. Hard shell outside, yet so soft and fragile in the inside. Should I blame my childhood fears?...I don’t know…What I know for sure is that I feared that people will leave me, It was so painful and hurtful to be unwanted. I’ll tend to please people, making them happy and comfortable with me…so that in return, they will never leave me.

How selfish I am dear? I was so afraid dear…really are afraid that they will drift away from me, leaving me alone. I don’t want to be left alone anymore. It was so harsh experience. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night crying and feeling the unbearable loneliness anymore Too painful to look back again. It’s not just the lost of my dearest father it’s just a fraction of my fears.
But then u came along into my life.

You stirred unsolved emotions of mine and make me realize how blessed I am to have you. I never felt this immense love before dear ab. And never realize that someone could love me as much as you did. And never feel as secured as I am now. I always doubt that no one could never ever be able to love me truly. There must be something that makes them love me, my services to them…I treat myself as a slave in order to make them happy.

But you…you see something in me…u see me as an individual, a soul…u see my heart, and u honored me as your angel. This makes me so grateful…I will make myself happy, equal sharing and enjoyment without sacrificing my needs and feelings for you. I don’t want to be a disappointment to you continuously dear. I am still a diamond…I will live up to that word until death do me apart. Thank you for being you…As u too are my guardian angel…watching me from afar and taking care of me unconditionally.

Dearest Abee,
You have a sacred and special place in my eyes, my mind, and my heart…my whole being. You are the air that I breathe my heartbeat…the sun that shines me. I am ur fire, the one u desire…and u are my air, the one I breath to keep me alive. Hope that I will not cause u burden by telling u the truth, how much I felt for you. You too have abundant responsibilities with you, and to see you in such troubles is inconceivable. As I said before and will say it again, I will not be and will not allow myself to be a liability to you, I am happy with what we already have and share. I love you, and will always be in love with you. Dengarlah sayu tangisanku, kau tahu ku amat menyayangi mu!!