Letter For My Abee...2004

Did u know ab…I nearly died 24 yrs ago…I was 3 that time…I played beside a swimming pool…I slipped and drowned….my father thought that I’m going to die…My whole body turned blue..well..i think i’m supposed to die that time…but…I think I’ve changed my fate. If I die…I will be remembered and loved…rite?...Not like right now….I already messed up with my fate (taqdir)…I think people keep forgetting about me ..People who are so near to me…forget to love me….and I am lost….without love…

Until u came into my life….U saw me…and cherished me with ur love…You are thousand miles away from me…but u had given me this world…u never failed to give me that…the care and love ..larger than life…and …honestly…I am happy…to have someone like you…I am truly happy whenever u are around…who will always be there for me….and appreciates me…and love me…u make me alive again….felt the warmth and comfort from someone who is so faraway yet so near and close to my heart.

But…what if….what if u r not there for me anymore?... what will happen to me…Will I have the same feeling with someone else?...I am ur diamond…but…I can’t live without you anymore dear…I am not that strong anymore…I’ve lost someone dear to me…and I don’t want to face the same situation…I know that for sure…Waiting for you on the net every single day …But what if this thing never happen again…Am I ready to handle this again?...

Will I be lost again…You filled my days with so much hopes and dreams…You gave me love…You gave me support…You are now my strength… I love you for goodness sake…I want you to be always be there for me…accompany me in every steps that I take....make me believe that you are meant for me…

I never asked for anything…from anyone…because I know I can’t have that since I was small…but now every single day of my life…I prayed to Allah…asking for ur well being…to give u health and wealth….so that u can always be there for me…Yes..i am selfish….I want my abee…to always be there beside me..so that I can live my life….bearing in mind that someone out there waiting for me and wish that…every single breath that u take...u will be thinking of me…as what I am doing to u now...every single breath that I take…every beat of my heart….beating for you…and breathing with u….

I don’t know how to expressed it spontaneously dear…its just me…I have so many things to say to u….Whenever I’m with u..i will be lost…lost in words…within ur smiles…and ur comforting presence…I don’t know what else to say…what I do know now is that u will be asking me to be realistic….and yes…we can’t be together…but…hmmmmm…I do pray nite and day that…u will be mine….i am not afraid to say that to u loudly….

Hmmmm…. I just want u to know..that I will always and forever be yours…Who will love you for the rest of my life….That is my vow….

A LOVE...FROM A DISTANCE

Hmmmm…Sometimes its so hard to digest and comprehend things happened between us…A soul so far away from mine…separated by seas, mountains, rivers….thousand miles away from me…yet my heart beats for him…Every sec, it beats for my abee…he’s my tranqualizer… He’s my everything…

Yesterday…abee talked about presence…and absent too. He’s right…When we are together…we both felt a strong connection…we both felt each other presence, we both felt that the clock stop ticking, and we have the world…only for us, exchange smiles and laughter. Are we doing the right thing?...are we hurting each other more?... Abee asked me…where are we? Where are we heading to?... hmmm..a barrier between us….Abee dear…wish I have the answers to all these…

Ughhhhh..i love him for goodness sake…more than anything else…is there any appropriate word to describe my heart towards him? Greater than Love?....Hmmmm …My abee…he’s like a forcefield…surrounding me…That is what I feel all this while…Nothing can come near me..hurt me…as abee’s shield is there to protect me…from any harm that may come…A strong shield…yet…so soft and tender…embracing me with his love…

I love his heart…His pure heart…He loves me, as I am nothing in someone else’s eyes…like an ugly duckling I am…but…in his eyes, he treated me like I am his beautiful swan…he makes me happy…he makes me smile…he makes me feel everything I am….He sees me…right through me…Hmmmm…

Am I hurting myself more?...I don’t know….Reality sucks…Honestly…I am in pain…I don’t deserve to be happy like someone else?...Why make things sooo difficult for me? Why me?...Please…please stop these pain of mine…please…

He’s the only one who can mend my wounded heart. Please don’t take him away from me. It’s like pulling the oxygen plug from me. He’s my life support. I know I’m too dependent…but…please …please understand me. Put urself in my shoes…you will then feel how I felt…
Sometimes…selfishness drives me away from being compassionate. I ignore his feelings, the consequence that he may have to face in future. Hmmmmm….i don’t want to be cruel abee…I am happy for what I have now…happy that at least…u r with me…though afar…u r still near…in my heart, my mind and my soul…You’re my oxygen abee….and I love you….

A tearless cry, A lonely smile,
A written fate, I failed to deny…
Like a forlorn wind, Breezing in despair
The heart of mine trapped in solitaire…

Letter For My Abee...2006

Dearest Abee,
No words can describe how much you meant to me. All these years, I fall asleep…A soundless sleep, until u came and woke me up. A light touch on my eyes and heart is enough to make me awake, and foresee life. You make me breath again, as proper as it should be. You make me see again, as I am blinded before. You grasp my hands and guide me, walk through this darkness of mine, towards the bright lights. You truly are my guardian angel, my prayers have been answered all this long…and I am so blessed…

Dearest Abee,
All my life, I was so insecure. Am I that transparent to u dear?...How could it be?...No one ever see me as u did? Why I am so predictable to u when I am in ur hands, for I am known for being so secretive and unpredictable?... I too live in my own shell. Hard shell outside, yet so soft and fragile in the inside. Should I blame my childhood fears?...I don’t know…What I know for sure is that I feared that people will leave me, It was so painful and hurtful to be unwanted. I’ll tend to please people, making them happy and comfortable with me…so that in return, they will never leave me.

How selfish I am dear? I was so afraid dear…really are afraid that they will drift away from me, leaving me alone. I don’t want to be left alone anymore. It was so harsh experience. I don’t want to wake up in the middle of the night crying and feeling the unbearable loneliness anymore Too painful to look back again. It’s not just the lost of my dearest father it’s just a fraction of my fears.
But then u came along into my life.

You stirred unsolved emotions of mine and make me realize how blessed I am to have you. I never felt this immense love before dear ab. And never realize that someone could love me as much as you did. And never feel as secured as I am now. I always doubt that no one could never ever be able to love me truly. There must be something that makes them love me, my services to them…I treat myself as a slave in order to make them happy.

But you…you see something in me…u see me as an individual, a soul…u see my heart, and u honored me as your angel. This makes me so grateful…I will make myself happy, equal sharing and enjoyment without sacrificing my needs and feelings for you. I don’t want to be a disappointment to you continuously dear. I am still a diamond…I will live up to that word until death do me apart. Thank you for being you…As u too are my guardian angel…watching me from afar and taking care of me unconditionally.

Dearest Abee,
You have a sacred and special place in my eyes, my mind, and my heart…my whole being. You are the air that I breathe my heartbeat…the sun that shines me. I am ur fire, the one u desire…and u are my air, the one I breath to keep me alive. Hope that I will not cause u burden by telling u the truth, how much I felt for you. You too have abundant responsibilities with you, and to see you in such troubles is inconceivable. As I said before and will say it again, I will not be and will not allow myself to be a liability to you, I am happy with what we already have and share. I love you, and will always be in love with you. Dengarlah sayu tangisanku, kau tahu ku amat menyayangi mu!!